Angry Panties

So there’s a new thing the Mormons are doing. It’s called: “pay the hip, young, attractive newlywed Mormons to keep up cute, hip blogs and post pictures of how beautiful they are with their quaint and beautiful houses, with their hip, hot Mormon spouses.” This is a ploy to get you to think Mormonism is cool.

Don’t buy into it. The blogs are intriguing and beautiful to the point that its sickening. All I’m saying is don’t buy it. They’re early to mid twenties and have seemingly perfect lives. Something must be off.

But still. The Catholic church should do something like this. I think it lost all of its hipness when Flannery O’Connor died in 1964.

So I have a problem with self-control. I’m aware of this, but I thought I was getting better. Not so.

I almost fought 3 people this weekend.

The first was a girl who didn’t high five my good friend Colin when he was asking everyone for high fives. The girl was immediately added to my shit list. (You’re “too hip” to high five my good friend? What is your deal?)

Her boyfriend was added to my shit list when he commented on how my dreams of having a cat named Napoleon and an avocado tree in the backyard of our quaint little apartment were stupid. So yes, that might be a really stupid dream, but you saw how riled up I got over your girlfriend not high5ing my friend. Just think twice before saying something like that to a girl who’s had too much tequila and is obviously feeling feisty.

Thank God I had my boys to hold me back/separate me from this couple so I didn’t get up and start throwing punches. I’m lucky the girl didn’t get up and sock me in the face, the way I was talking out loud.

The other was a female bartender at the same bar. (I have a bad history with female bartenders.) Take, for example, several months ago when I fought a french female bartender. Well, there was no physical contact, but I had to be dragged out of the bar all the while pointing and shouting, “go back to France you bleeping bleep!” Ah, Jules Cafe. You will always have a special place on my shit list.

Oh, cyber world. I do wish you’d discover me so I’d know i’m not the only dumb priss to pick stupid fights with people at bars.

It’ll be some time before I show my face at Union Pool again. But lord knows i’ll miss the tacos.

Still at work but already thinking about dinner tonight. I’m going to Siggy’s in Brooklyn Heights. Gotta love the organic stuff.

I’ll be dining with my friend Caitlin who just happens to be a very talented musician. Check out her stuff here.

I think about food about 80% of the day. Which is sort of pathetic. But sometimes I need to think about lunch or dinner to just get me through the next few hours of suckiness. Wouldn’t you have to agree?

PS- look at this beautiful cake my best friend made. This cake makes me want to dance.

Some stuff that’s been sitting in my cart on Etsy.

A mustache that you can hang things on. Unheard of. Amazing.

This would be a smart place to put my earring so I don’t lose them. Duh.

So Charlie Sheen is all over the internet and the newspapers. He’s such an epidemic right now. He’s probably a trending topic on twitter… and for what? For being addicted to cocaine, having a magical oasis where he has threesomes with his “goddess” whores, and for saying some funny shit.

I’ve seen the website where you click through various Sheen-isms, however, I think the following site is a refreshing look at the dumb shit Charlie Sheen says. And it features baby sloths. Check it out.

So here I am, in my cubicle. Consider this my “lunch break,” fellow coworkers.

Today I am wearing super flare jeans and a long-sleeve sheer black 70’s top with shoulder pads that I stupidly got after stumbling into an overpriced “vintage” store in the village on Saturday. I’m wearing a long, gold chain necklace to complete the outdated look.

A few weeks ago was NY fashion week. I work across from Lincoln Center, so I consider this week the worst week ever because there are a million supermodels walking around and there I am looking like crap because I rolled out of bed and probably didn’t have time to shower that day. So the last day I was there for fashion week, I decided to wear the most ridiculous outfit I could muster. Because high fashion these days is about looking as stupid as you think possible. And for some reason, other people might think you look cool. So just keep looking stupid, fashionistas. You got this in the bag.

Living in NYC, with each passing day, I become just slightly more cynical- and I express my cynicism and frustration in silly ways at times. Like a few days ago, when I cursed a guy off in the street. Mind you, he was in his car and almost hit me, but afterward I thought, “the old me never would have done that…” (if you don’t count last year when an old guy called me a word I dare not repeat- that time I almost hit him with my car, but damn, did I go off on that old bastard.) “I’m getting pretty freaking street smart.” Or just reckless and outspoken. Either way you look at it, I was happy with the end result. Which isn’t necessarily good, but whatever.

Whether getting shouted at in uninterpretable tongues by a homeless man last week, or being stalked by a semi-psychopath, some weird shit has happened since I moved to the city. I’m here to lay it all out in the hopes that some of you can relate. Maybe then we’ll all be able to make a little more sense of this crazy world we’re living in. I’ll post whatever I think is cute, heinous, or just plain weird. Or maybe it’s just a photo of some delicious tacos. It’s my open forum. Welcome to the show.